Being Weaned

Sometimes longings seem to want to engulf me; I think my desires come crashing in on me, much like the waves that I saw on the beach this weekend. There is nothing subtle about them. One minute the ocean of my life seems relatively calm, with gentle ripples, and the next second an ocean tide grows, crests, and rushes in to shore. Untamable.

I’ve been meditating on Psalm 131 the past few weeks, especially verse 2: “Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with his mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.”

I’ve watched my little three-week old niece Daphne with her mother. And when she is hungry, she is inconsolable until she is fed. Her relatively calm demeanor becomes this scrunched-up, red-faced spectacle, and her voice increases by several decibels, not to be quieted until she gets what she wants. My almost three-year-old niece Audrey, however, will calmly sit next to her mother (especially when she is watching TV), content to have her hair played with. Or she will happily run up and give her mom a hug, face-plant herself into her mother’s neck for a few seconds, before running off to her next adventure. The demanding is gone (well, almost).

I’ve been asking myself whether I am more like Daphne or like Audrey when I spend time with God. Do I treat God like a nursing mother, demanding she give me what I want? Or am I content to nestle at her breast, enjoying the simple comfort of her presence? Is her presence enough for me?

I’m not saying it’s wrong for me to ask God for my heart longings. Afterall, a baby needs to be fed! But I think the very fact that we speak of emotional longings in terms of physical cravings shows that there are parallels between the two. And I think that God wants me to know that God’s presence is enough.

The idea is a bit scary, I have to confess. But I keep coming back to the image of just snuggling deeply into my mom’s arms, just because I love being with her, because her presence alone is all I need to comfort me, and not because I have any demands or needs that she must meet. The other part of me thinks that weaning is an important state of being – it’s not something that is a seasonal or temporary thing, but a milestone in development, and thereafter a lifelong attitude which I think God calls us to (i.e., a baby never goes back to being nursed). In that sense, having God teach me what it means to be weaned, means God is maturing me more into Jesus’ image, which is the road we’re all on. So then it becomes less scary I guess.

On nieces, weddings, and academics

A busy summer is almost behind me, or at least fast approaching its end. And with its closure comes the closing of a season of State College living and a transitioning into a new phase. As I look back over the summer, the highlight was the birth of my new niece, Daphne Rose Bobb, on July 12th.

I believe her stats were 9 lbs. 3 oz. (unlike big sister Audrey who was almost a month early, Daphne decided to hang in there a few days past her due date, and outweighed her sister's birth weight by 3 sizeable lbs.). And while there was some initial uncertainty about her health, she is perfectly fine, perfectly formed, and breath-takingly beautiful. I wasn't there at her birth, but "Aunt Stephie" had me on speaker phone as grandmother Mimi and she, along with Audrey and Bart, went to visit Daphne and Amanda for the first time. I've never wished for teleporting so much in my life. But 10 days later I was able to drive down to Richmond and see her for myself. I'm not sure how it is possible to love someone you don't know so much. Spending time with both of "my girls" -- Audrey and Daphne -- together was the purest form of happiness. I'll attach a photo of my first meeting with Daphne.


Then, the last week in July, I had the honor of being in the weddings of two of my closest friends here in State College. Ellen married Ed on Saturday, July 29th, and Betsy (my roommate of 3 years) married Morgan on Sunday, July 30th. It was an amazing (though admittedly hectic!) weekend for me. While Ellen and Ed will continue to live here in State College, Betsy and Morgan are moving two hours away to Lancaster. It is a bitter-sweet parting, celebrating their happy beginning, but losing the immediacy of their friendship. Morgan and Betsy have become two of my closest friends and it is hard imagining daily life without them.

Their move follows the move of several other very close friends (first Kelly with her husband to Charlottesville, then Stef and Jay with (not-so-little-anymore) Davis to Utah) and anticipates the departure of Sonomi for Japan, Chris for Ohio, and Noriko for Boston. Amazing how good-byes bring a heightened appreciation for each friendship. Memories crystalize, take on a vibrancy they didn't have before, and while loss and grief tear at me, I'm also washed in gratefulness for what God has brought through them into my life.

I wish I had more time to process everything I'm experiencing, but the task at hand is to prepare for my comprehensive exams, the last big hurdle before finally starting my dissertation research. It is surreal that I am at this point in my academic career. Building towards what I came to State College for. By the end of August, and by the grace of God, I will be "A.B.D." or "all but the dissertation". I'll keep you posted on my progress!