Psalm 40

Jamie has started reading Psalm 40 almost nightly to Ben and me before we go to sleep. It seems appropriate for many reasons. For one, we both love U2, and they have a song based on this Psalm ("40" ... any Young Lifer will remember singing this one at club). But we also love the content for us and Benjamin, and since a complete gestational period is considered 40 weeks, this Psalm is symbolic of our desire for God to take care of Benjamin's development -- whether he stays inside my womb 40 weeks, or only a few more days. As of yesterday we are at 27 weeks, and so grateful God has allowed us to see the third trimester!

11 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

A Dream

My cousin Heidi is a few months ahead of me in her pregnancy, and she and I have been emailing each other to encourage one another on this journey of motherhood. Recently, I had an unusual dream. It was more of a daydream perhaps. Rather than re-write what I told to Heidi, I will simply post an edit of my email to her ...

This a.m. I once again struggled with insomnia. I finally got up to sit out in the living room as I waited to become drowsy enough to go back to bed. So I was doing some scripture meditation, listening to soothing music. And then I let my mind wander, deciding to imagine I was going on a walk with Jesus. At first I was just going to go alone with him, sort of leave my pregnant self behind, but we decided to "bring Ben along." So there was me in my early morning day dream, waddling pregnant and barefoot beside Jesus through a forest along a creek. We decided to cool our feet in the water, and I awkwardly clambered down next to Jesus on the mossy bank. We sat in silence for a while, and I'm not sure what prompted this, but I turned to him and asked "So, tell me about Ben. What's he like?" Jesus looked at me and said "He's thoughtful (in the sense of reflective)" and I pondered that for a while, when Jesus followed it up with:

"And he feels safe."

Well, the tears just came, Heidi! I realized I have felt like a failure as a mother, and that all of these procedures, the stress I've been under, and my incompetent cervix etc. are compromising Benjamin. But here was Jesus, reassuring me as a mother and telling me that my baby feels safe inside me. I remember sort of protesting, summoning up all my failures in anxiety, and then Jesus just gently reminded me of all the ways I *was* loving God, and Benjamin, well. That my heart really was to follow Him.

It was definitely a healing moment. Wish I could have held onto it for longer.

What struck me about this experience was that I was impacted not by the direct answer to my question (What's Ben like?). It was Jesus' second, unprompted, observation that hit home and addressed an underlying issue I was not even consciously aware of until I heard his words. And the Truth of Jesus' words brought healing to a wounded area in my life.